Live spelled backwards
Many years ago, someone recommended I read a book called People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil by M. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist perhaps better known for his book The Road Less Travelled.
It’s a loaded book. In it, Peck draws up a profile of people he calls ‘evil’ – a word he realizes has such strong connotations attached to it that it has virtually become taboo in our times. In his view, ‘evil’ people are people who live in a world of lies – who lie to themselves and others, often pathologically. They are also masters of disguise, hiding behind various masks, often as respectable pillars of society or members of the clergy. They are also obsessed with control. In Peck’s words: One of their distinguishing characteristics is their ability to lie to themselves, as well as to others, and to insist on being ignorant of their own faults and wrongdoings. Their guiding motive is to feel good about themselves at all costs, at all times, no matter what evidence there may be that points to their sin or imperfection. Rather than using it to make some kind of self-correction they will instead – often at great expense of energy – set about trying to exterminate the evidence.*
The person who recommended I read the book was my first therapist. He promised it would have a profound effect on me – and it did. One story in particular I remember very vividly. Peck was asked to treat a boy who had got into some kind of trouble. He was just a young kid – can’t remember how old exactly – maybe twelve. The kid came into Peck’s office and was extremely withdrawn. Peck tried talking to him, asking him various questions, but the kid was extremely reticent, responding very curtly if at all, and barely looking up. Peck was about to give up, but then had an idea. Christmas had just passed, so he’d ask the kid what he got for Christmas. All kids liked to talk about what they got for Christmas.
So he asked the kid what he’d got, and the kid replied ‘Stuff.’ ‘What kind of stuff?’ ‘Just stuff.’ So he asked the kid what he’d got from his parents, expecting he’d say ‘a tennis racket’ or something. The kid replied, ‘A gun.’ At that point Peck started to feel that sense of dread in the pit of his stomach and the confusion he always felt when in the presence of evil. Particularly as he’d been told beforehand that the kid’s brother had committed suicide a couple of years earlier, by shooting himself in the head.
So he asked the kid, ‘What kind of gun?’ and the kid told him. So he asked carefully, ‘Isn’t that just like the gun your brother shot himself with?’ and the kid replied, ‘No, it wasn’t like that gun. It was that gun.’
At that point, Peck asked to speak to the parents in private. They were respectable citizens, active in their church, pillars of society. When confronted, they reacted with extreme indignation. They saw absolutely nothing wrong with giving their son a gun. ‘Every boy wants a gun, doctor!’ When Peck mentioned that this was the very gun their other son had killed himself with, and asked whether they saw nothing wrong with that, the response was, ‘Guns are expensive! We don’t have a lot of money you know. We’re simple people.’
Most normal, healthy individuals would react to a situation like that with shock and horror. To them, it would be perfectly clear what sorts of message those people were sending to their son. But such people – the people of the lie – would see nothing wrong with that scenario. They appear incapable of comprehending the human aspect of the equation, and evaluate it only by its surface value: Boys like guns, guns are expensive, we’ll give him the only gun we have. Which just happens to be the one his brother shot himself with. - It’s like their left hand doesn’t know what their right hand is doing.
Over time, I have learned that people like that suffer from a disorder called NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are like walking black holes. They are often highly intelligent and manipulative, and they tend to be psychological vampires. Getting enmeshed with a person like that as an adult can be devastating; having a person like that as a parent – particularly when it is a single parent with a single child – is much, much worse. It has unbelievable potential to destroy.
Why am I writing this? Because I think it’s important. Because I know that one of the defining factors of growing up with a narcissistic parent is the black cloud of shame and confusion that surrounds you, that obliterates your view of anything else. It’s also because I am still struggling with this. Over the years I’ve met a number of people with whom I have shared my own experience who have experienced similar things but have no name to give it. And as soon as you give it a name, you can begin to disentangle from its clutches.
That book taught me a lot. It also gave me a lot, and one of the most profound insights it gave me was this one: Peck’s young daughter, when she saw the word ‘evil’ written down, remarked to her father, “Daddy, ‘evil’ is ‘live’ spelled backwards.” To me, that says it all. So simple, yet so profound. ‘Evil’ is ‘live’ spelled backwards.
[Back to the weather tomorrow.]
* This passage is from Further Along the Road Less Travelled.
It’s a loaded book. In it, Peck draws up a profile of people he calls ‘evil’ – a word he realizes has such strong connotations attached to it that it has virtually become taboo in our times. In his view, ‘evil’ people are people who live in a world of lies – who lie to themselves and others, often pathologically. They are also masters of disguise, hiding behind various masks, often as respectable pillars of society or members of the clergy. They are also obsessed with control. In Peck’s words: One of their distinguishing characteristics is their ability to lie to themselves, as well as to others, and to insist on being ignorant of their own faults and wrongdoings. Their guiding motive is to feel good about themselves at all costs, at all times, no matter what evidence there may be that points to their sin or imperfection. Rather than using it to make some kind of self-correction they will instead – often at great expense of energy – set about trying to exterminate the evidence.*
The person who recommended I read the book was my first therapist. He promised it would have a profound effect on me – and it did. One story in particular I remember very vividly. Peck was asked to treat a boy who had got into some kind of trouble. He was just a young kid – can’t remember how old exactly – maybe twelve. The kid came into Peck’s office and was extremely withdrawn. Peck tried talking to him, asking him various questions, but the kid was extremely reticent, responding very curtly if at all, and barely looking up. Peck was about to give up, but then had an idea. Christmas had just passed, so he’d ask the kid what he got for Christmas. All kids liked to talk about what they got for Christmas.
So he asked the kid what he’d got, and the kid replied ‘Stuff.’ ‘What kind of stuff?’ ‘Just stuff.’ So he asked the kid what he’d got from his parents, expecting he’d say ‘a tennis racket’ or something. The kid replied, ‘A gun.’ At that point Peck started to feel that sense of dread in the pit of his stomach and the confusion he always felt when in the presence of evil. Particularly as he’d been told beforehand that the kid’s brother had committed suicide a couple of years earlier, by shooting himself in the head.
So he asked the kid, ‘What kind of gun?’ and the kid told him. So he asked carefully, ‘Isn’t that just like the gun your brother shot himself with?’ and the kid replied, ‘No, it wasn’t like that gun. It was that gun.’
At that point, Peck asked to speak to the parents in private. They were respectable citizens, active in their church, pillars of society. When confronted, they reacted with extreme indignation. They saw absolutely nothing wrong with giving their son a gun. ‘Every boy wants a gun, doctor!’ When Peck mentioned that this was the very gun their other son had killed himself with, and asked whether they saw nothing wrong with that, the response was, ‘Guns are expensive! We don’t have a lot of money you know. We’re simple people.’
Most normal, healthy individuals would react to a situation like that with shock and horror. To them, it would be perfectly clear what sorts of message those people were sending to their son. But such people – the people of the lie – would see nothing wrong with that scenario. They appear incapable of comprehending the human aspect of the equation, and evaluate it only by its surface value: Boys like guns, guns are expensive, we’ll give him the only gun we have. Which just happens to be the one his brother shot himself with. - It’s like their left hand doesn’t know what their right hand is doing.
Over time, I have learned that people like that suffer from a disorder called NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are like walking black holes. They are often highly intelligent and manipulative, and they tend to be psychological vampires. Getting enmeshed with a person like that as an adult can be devastating; having a person like that as a parent – particularly when it is a single parent with a single child – is much, much worse. It has unbelievable potential to destroy.
Why am I writing this? Because I think it’s important. Because I know that one of the defining factors of growing up with a narcissistic parent is the black cloud of shame and confusion that surrounds you, that obliterates your view of anything else. It’s also because I am still struggling with this. Over the years I’ve met a number of people with whom I have shared my own experience who have experienced similar things but have no name to give it. And as soon as you give it a name, you can begin to disentangle from its clutches.
That book taught me a lot. It also gave me a lot, and one of the most profound insights it gave me was this one: Peck’s young daughter, when she saw the word ‘evil’ written down, remarked to her father, “Daddy, ‘evil’ is ‘live’ spelled backwards.” To me, that says it all. So simple, yet so profound. ‘Evil’ is ‘live’ spelled backwards.
[Back to the weather tomorrow.]
* This passage is from Further Along the Road Less Travelled.
Labels: dirty laundry
posted by Alda at 4:38 PM
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