It's pretty scary when you can't turn us off just by closing a window

So, I went to my first Expat Quiz Night here in Reykjavík last Friday. Apparently they have them once a month at Café Cultura, in the Intercultural Centre, but then how would I know because I’m obviously not a genuine expat, just as I’m not a genuine Nicelander. [Falling through the cracks: the story of my life *sob*]. In fact I wouldn’t even have known about it if my friend Jonas hadn’t alerted me, which I’m certainly glad he did because a) I had a blast b) we came in second and even won a prize, huzzah! c) they have Leffe on tap up there. The total spoils amounted to about 700 kronur for each of us, which meant we broke even [it cost 500 kronur in] and earned us a small subsidy towards our next beer. Sweet.

On our team [of five] was a guy named Simon, who was holidaying from Toronto because apparently they don’t get enough cold and snow over there. Our conversation went something like this:

YT: So, you’re from Toronto?
Simon: Yes I am.
YT: I used to live in Toronto.
S: Oh really?
YT: Where in Toronto do you live?
S: Cabbagetown.
YT: Oh, I used to live in Cabbagetown.
S: Really?
YT: Yeah. I lived on Spruce Street.
S: I live on Spruce Street.

Crazy, huh? Turns out he’d come to Niceland last year and had been bitten by the dreaded Niceland Bug [to which some foreigners seem particularly susceptible], so he’d turned up again. In the interim he’d been corresponding with Jonas and Eliza [who also showed up at the pub quiz] through the Iceland Review website, and was also familiar with the Weather Report, although he didn’t figure out until a couple of ‘entertainment breaks’ [i.e. cigarette and drink-run breaks] who YT was. At which time he was duly floored, and blurted out: “My God, my virtual life is coming true! You people actually exist!”

Definitely the quote of the evening if you ask me.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MORNING SINCE, UM YESTERDAY
It’s gorgeous out there – sunny and cold, with barely a hint of a breeze. [Yesterday morning was gorgeous as well.] It’s set to cloud over around noon, though, with strong winds and precipitation later. Meaning I should get meself out for a run pronto. Temps -5°C [23F] and the sun came up at 8.51, will go down at 6.32 pm.

More shameless name dropping

So old Eric Clapton has finally agreed to bring his guitar over to do a bit of strumming for the locals next summer. Around the campfire, like. Old Eric is a regular guest here in Niceland, visits every summer to indulge his passion for salmon fishing, but until now his guitar has been conspicuously absent. Apparently he's been nagged ad nauseum every year to do a concert, and has finally caved. Just goes to prove that the power of the nag should never be underestimated. [As most parents will know.] Anyway, EPI's all psyched - I daresay he'll be the first punter camping out in line the night before tickets go on sale next month. And I'll bring him coffee in a thermos - in exchange for a ticket, of course. Because I'm kind like that.

Meanwhile, word on the street is that old Keira Knightley will be strolling the boulevards of our fair city in a couple of days' time, since her boyfriend bought her a surprise ticket to Niceland for Valentine's Day. Now, whoever thought that splashing around in this great big Cold Puddle that's been hovering over our country for weeks equals a romantic getaway sure has another thing coming. So Keira, darling, if you're listening: BRING YER LONG JOHNS. You'll thank me later.

SPEAKING OF WHICH
It was freezing cold when I went out just before nine, but by the time I came out of my exam [much better this morning, yes, thank you very much for your kind and encouraging comments last post] it had turned quite lovely. The wind had died down, the sun had come out, and the temps had crawled just over the freezing mark. I'm crossing my digits that we'll have at least a couple of days of above-zero temps to get rid of the rock-solid slab of ice that is now over everything and which makes it decidedly treacherous to walk, not to mention run. Right now -1°C [30F] and sunrise was at 9.35 am, sunset at 5.50.

PS - have I mentioned that the population of this country is 307,000? I bet we have the most famous people per capita of any country in the world. Just like we have the strongest men per capita and the most beautiful women per capita and the greatest number of castrated rams per capita. And the fewest paparazzi.

After which she put on her faerie costume and went to make steaming drink for the tourists

So the mayhem is underway. The heart-stopping explosions out of nowhere started yesterday ... incredibly startling at first, but quick to become commonplace. I'm talking firecrackers and fireworks being exploded beneath people's windows and in other inappropriate places. If any of you foreigners visiting our fair isle and reading this are wondering why there are not a single trash can in sight and all the outdoor mailboxes are barricaded - that's why. Measures have been taken.

Yes, dear readers, fireworks are sold freely to the general public up here in the days between Christmas and New Year's, although FORTUNATELY there is an age limit of 18 years so of course there is NO WAY for underaged kids to get their hands on them, just as there is NO WAY for them to get their hands on any liquor for New Year's Eve. Meaning that those explosions are almost all generated by adults with their full wits about them [heheh - yah right].

Meanwhile, this e-zine has listed Reykjavic [sic] as one of the ten best places in the world to spend New Year's Eve, right up there with Vegas and downtown Greensboro [?]. Far be it from me to contest this claim, although personally I would have put Reykjavík at number 1 because it hosts, without question, the most superexcellent New Year's Eve party in all the world - the entire city, all of it. However, I must confess I was slightly taken aback by the editor's description of our antics up here on New Year's Eve, to wit:

... the locals celebrate by welcoming tourists into their homes, serving them steaming drink, lighting bonfires and prancing around in elf and faerie costumes. Just like in Lord of the Rings! As a bonus, if the night is clear you'll see the splendor of the Northern Lights as midnight strikes.

First of all, I have to wonder what sort of shit his sources were smokin' because ... elves and faeries? Okay. And, you know, personally I've never known anyone to fling open their doors to tourists to welcome them into their homes to serve them hot drinks ... but then maybe I'm just hanging around with the wrong people. Third, there is not a fricking hope in hell that you'll see the northern lights at midnight on New Year's Eve because a) the skies are absolutely FILLED with exploding fireworks and b) the spaces in between are absolutely FILLED with billowing clouds of smoke from exploding fireworks.

But hey - far be it from me to detract anyone from getting dressed up Just like in Lord of the Rings! but I'm willing to bet that anyone who does will be a tourist who has been reading YES Weekly and thinks this is the way we do it up here. Come to think of it, I hope lots and lots of people do, because, you know, wouldn't that be hilarious? Hordes of tourists all dressed up like elves and faeries, sniffing around the locals' front doors, desperate to be let in for some steaming drink? Bring it on!

MEANWHILE, WE MAY NOT SEE ANY FIREWORKS AT ALL
Because they're forecasting horrific weather for New Year's Eve, meaning all our brennur may be cancelled and people will be advised to stay indoors and absolutely NOT to fire off any rockets that may unwittingly end up inside people's coats or pants legs or nostrils. A bad storm is supposed to come through tomorrow and is supposed to persist on the 31st. Which will be a major drag ... the only good thing I can think of that may come out of it is that my dear stepdaughter who has been here for Christmas and who is supposed to fly back to New York tomorrow will have her flight cancelled and thus will be able to spend New Year's with us. We Shall See. Actually the same sort of weather happened a couple of years ago and all the brennur were moved to New Year's Day, which just wasn't the same. But, whaddaryagonnado. The temps have been inching upwards all day and are now 2°C [36F], sunrise was at 11.22 am and sunset at 3.37 pm.

PS actually to be fair there is old folklore that elves and fairies appear on the Þrettándinn - Twelfth Night, January 6th. There are brennur [bonfires] held on that night also, and in some parts of the country people dress up like the king and queen of the elves and make an appearance at the brennur - for the kids, much like Santa Claus.

Almost flown

Last night, before going out to a concert, I said goodbye to AAH more or less for the duration of the weekend. She was going out with her boyfriend, was going to stay over at his place, then going straight to work today, then straight to meeting her friends for dinner. By the time she gets home I’ll be at the National Theatre watching a play, and I expect she’ll stay over at her bf’s again tonight. Then to work again tomorrow ... so I’ll probably not see her until tomorrow evening.

It has been the same situation for the last several weekends. Waking up in the morning to find her bedroom door open, and her bed unslept in. EPI and I having breakfast à deux. It’s weird. A natural transition – but still weird.

When AAH was around one years old, her father and I split up after a brief but valiant effort at living together. It was a tough time; I was more than a little lost, living in Germany, and having a baby hadn’t exactly been on the agenda. After we went our separate ways, her father moved back to the US where he was from and effectively disappeared from our lives for the next 11 years. I had no family nearby, hadn’t lived in Iceland since I was a child, and had been away from Canada too long to be able to return [my immigration status expired after six months away]. My mother, by then a Canadian citizen, refused to help me by sponsoring me back to the country that had formed me; I had no work, no support, little money, and a child to take care of.

In the letter that my mother wrote me, she urged me to, “... return to Iceland, the only country to which you have any claim” [where I was to “work on overcoming [my] two deadly sins: pride and arrogance” – but that’s another story]. The prospect of returning to Iceland terrified me; however in the end it’s what I did. There’s not been a single day in which I’ve regretted making that decision, even though it was incredibly tough going at first, for many different reasons. [Actually, that decision wasn’t really mine – in hindsight I see that it was really made for me, one of the many blessings in my life.] Assimilating into Icelandic society as an outsider is incredibly tough, as anyone who’s done so will attest to, and being alone with a child meant that I was socially isolated. The family members I had here were all entrenched in their lives and we were more or less strangers to each other. It was very hard for me to ask for help, so I avoided doing so at all costs, unless I absolutely had to.

Even so, I had the wherewithal to recognize that being with a small child 24/7 and never having a break was harmful both to me and the child, so I negotiated a deal with my father that he and his family would look after AAH for one weekend a month, so I could have a bit of time to myself – to sleep late, if nothing else. Around this time I met EPI, and those weekends in the early stages of our courtship became unbelievably precious. Every single moment was treasured and used to the fullest. On Fridays we’d normally meet up after work, buy something for dinner then go home to cook together, and if we were up to it, go out later for a drink somewhere. Saturdays we’d sleep late, have breakfast, maybe go to the swimming pool, then to a movie – sometimes even two movies in a row in one evening [we like movies]. By Sunday afternoon it would be time to welcome AAH back home.

This morning at breakfast I started reminiscing to EPI about that time. I remember how, back then, it felt to me like things would never change, that life would always be hard. It seems so distant now, and yet time has passed so quickly so it's almost like yesterday. AAH is practically all grown up, and it's hard to know where the time went. EPI and I have breakfast by ourselves on weekends and it’s no longer a luxury but a natural development. And life is no longer hard all the time. Only sometimes.

WE’VE WEATHERED OUR TWO-DAY STORM
Although it’s still windy and pretty cold. I’m still afflicted with this icky cold and as you can tell I’m getting all morose and reflective in absence of my endorphin fix. Temps are –3°C at the moment [27F]. Sunrise this morning was at 10.44 and sunset at 3.48 pm. – Incidentally! It’s a Big Day for Niceland today, being the anniversary of the day we were awarded Home Rule from Denmark, back in 1918.

When political correctness goes horribly wrong

Over in Australia, Santa Claus is being discouraged from saying "Ho ho ho!" because it may be offensive to women.*

Instead they're recommending "Ha ha ha!", but won't that be offensive to paranoid schizophrenics who think everyone's laughing at them?

Maybe he could say, "Hey hey hey!" but won't that be offensive to women who think he's hustling them?

Or he could say, um, "La la la!" but then won't that be offensive to crazy people?

And if he says, "Heh heh heh!" everyone will be offended because they'll think he's being smug.

Meanwhile, if he uses sign language, it may be offensive to deaf-dumb people.

Sigh. It's a hopeless situation. Clearly it's just a matter of time before he's done away with altogether.

WE HAVE SUNSHINE!
It's been a clear day today, with lots of sunlight. Went out for a run, and was in shade for most of the way because the sun rises so low in the sky now that it doesn't even get up above the condominiums that line the seashore. But no matter - this sort of day really boosts the old morale. It's been a bit windy though, which brings our current temps of 2°C [36F] down to what feels like -2°C [28F]. Sunrise was at 10.14 am and sunset due for 4.12 pm.

* I wonder if it's still offensive if he goes to a brothel.

Every title I come up with for this post is boring so I'll just call it National Language Day. Yawn.

As regular readers will know, the Nicelanders are exceptionally devoted to their language, Icelandic. In fact, many people consider the language to be the factor that defines Iceland as a nation. We are joined together by one language - a language that no other nation speaks.

It should come as no surprise, then, that there is an entire day every year devoted to the Icelandic language, and that day is today. It's called Dagur íslenskrar tungu - "Day of the Icelandic Language". This particular date was chosen because it is the birthday of one of Iceland's foremost poets, Jónas Hallgrímsson, with whom most people here seem to have a deep affinity and affection for, sort of like the Icelandic Shakespeare but without the cryptic language. And here we have another glaring exposure of YT's pseudo-Icelander status, because in contrast to most of my countrymen who have learned all about old Jónas in school, that's about as much as I know about him. Except that he died young, his death has been romanticized, some people are saying it wasn't very romantic, and today is the 200th anniversary of his birth. And this last part I only know because the media keeps banging on about it and there are festivals being held all over the country.

But anyway, as I was saying, Icelandic is very precious to the Icelanders, and I've documented the various efforts to preserve the language in this space before, including the Nicelanders' obsessive need to make up Icelandic words for all manner of foreign objects and concepts, rather than just calling a computer, say, komputer. And true to form, today Morgunblaðið had a little blurb in which they're calling for translations of some common English words and phrases that have stubbornly worked their way into Icelandic and which nobody seems to have come up with a good, solid, Icelandicism for. These words and phrases [some of which have been bastardized to fit into the sentence structure] are:

shortcut
takeaway
brunch
to blog [að blogga]
to google [að gúggla]
iPod
to date [someone - að deita]
wannabe
grandparents [this is the only one I take exception to, I just don't see what's wrong with using afi og amma]
outlet
gig [gigg]

Okay then! Anyone with suggestions for good and proper Nicelandic translations may send them to menning@mbl.is or leave them in the comments, whichever is easier. Although if you do choose the second option, I can't guarantee they will make it into the next official Icelandic dictionary.

MILD WEATHER TODAY, OVERCAST WITH DRIZZLE
Yep, that about sums it up. Currently 3°C [39F], sunrise was at 9.58 am [yow!] and sunset at 4.25 pm.

Something to aspire to?

Here in Niceland, when someone's making money, we have an idiom: "They're getting hairy palms".

Meanwhile, Fréttablaðið has a daily feature called "Question of the Day" in which they ask someone - often someone who has been in the news - a question.

No prizes, then, for guessing what they asked the beautician from yesterday's post.

Heheh.

MEANWHILE, MEC HAS BEEN VINDICATED
Very logically they have come to believe that the mitts they sent me the other day were wrongly labelled. After all, the 'small' I received is a foot long - a full 12 inches - from top to bottom ... which just doesn't compute. So they've offered to reimburse me for the postage to send the mitts back to them, and to send me a new pair for free. Icelandic vendors: watch and learn.

AS FOR OUR DELIGHTFUL NOVEMBER WEATHER
Gloomy - overcast, wet, breezy [8-15 m/s]. But mild: 9°C [48F] here in the capital; the sun came up at 9.55 and will go down at 4.28 pm.

Newsflash: Icelandic men addicted to Brazilian waxes

Fréttablaðið has a groundbreaking news item on its front page this morning: Icelandic men are addicted to Brazilian waxing.

"Since last year, men have increasingly woken up to the benefits of Brazilian waxing," an employee at the Cera beauty salon is quoted as saying. "It sounds really painful, but it isn't ... when I was in Australia I was incredibly busy giving Brazilian waxes to soldiers. They were all really hot [i.e. the soldiers - ed.] and this was considered a normal part of looking good. Over here men are still using razors and scrapers. They don't realize that sharp hairs form that are no fun at all," she explains.

Men of all ages go to her for grooming - from age twentysomething to 70. "The thing is, those who try it become completely addicted to it. The hairs that come afterwards are so soft and everything becomes much more comfortable, the complete opposite to what happens when men shave."

Now, this is really interesting and everything, and no doubt very useful for all those poor sods still fumbling around in the dark with their razors and scrapers, but - on the front page of a national newspaper? What's the big news? Is it that those rugged Nicelanders, descendants of Vikings and Kings [and outlaws and criminals] have turned soft? Become Beckhamesque Metro Men, resorting to waxing their tools in gleaming beauty salons rather than chopping each other down with axes?

Or is it just inept journalism of the highest order? I ask.

LOOKING PRETTY GOOD OUT THERE RIGHT NOW
We've had a couple of Good Days here weather-wise, a.k.a. 'windless'. Days to be savoured, like a Brazilian wax. It's overcast, though, and we're in for rain or sleet later today. Currently 4°C [39F], the sun came up at 9.52 and will set at 4.31 pm.

A bunch of random, incoherent factoids about translations

I’m taking a short course these days on translating and interpreting and am finding it remarkably fascinating, more so than I expected. In fact my mind is virtually overflowing with chaotic factoids and random information on the topic, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to take this opportunity to empty it so I can get on with the urgent business of getting a good night’s sleep. My apologies if you came here for something more coherent; regular programming shall resume very soon.

1. Icelandic society is absolutely and completely inundated with translations. Just about everything all around us is translated. All the foreign news in all of the media, almost all films we see at the cinema, almost all the television programmes. About 80 percent of the plays put on in the theatres, almost all of the books published, instructions and manuals for almost everything, from washing machines to medication. Legislation and regulations. Documentation and certificates. Just about everything. And yet translators as a group are virtually invisible in this society. Why?

2. The cost of translations is much higher in Iceland than it is in most other countries. That’s why reps from all those foreign translation agencies [that for some reason are contacting Icelandic translators with increasing frequency] just about pass out when they hear our rates. [And generally beat a hasty retreat.] Q: Could it be that all those invisible translators are invisible because they’re too busy raking in the dough? A: Pfft! I wish.

3. Before Iceland had a national TV station [i.e. pre-mid-1960s] none of the movies that were shown here had subtitles. The cinema owners claimed it was too expensive to translate everything. Instead they printed programmes with a synopsis of the movie plot so people could at least have an idea of what they were watching.

4. Germany translates more books into the vernacular than any other country. There’s been a rich tradition for translations in Germany since the 18^th century [there was a really fascinating reason for it, too, and I wish I could remember it so I could tell you]. There is a huge market for translations in Germany, as opposed to in the English speaking world, where only 3 percent of all books sold are translations [in the UK at least, and therefore almost certainly in the US]. This is why Nicelandic authors scramble to get translated into German. Not only do the Germans love Niceland, they also buy translations.

5. Text that is not translated, dies. It cannot live for any length of time within its own geographical area, in its own language. That is why we translators are Very Important People.

6. If Iceland joins the European Union there will be an immediate and critical shortage of translators and interpreters. The situation is bad enough now but if we join the EU it will be catastrophic. Doomsday. The Apocolypse.

7. The Icelanders translate all new words that enter the language, meaning there’s a committee that reviews all new objects and concepts and finds new words for them. For example, when computers became ubiquitous, most countries just imported the English word ‘computer’, whereas the Icelandic word committee made up the word tölva, which is a hybrid of the words tala [number] and völva [prophetess]. However, some people now argue that Icelandic must start importing foreign words, because there are so many new concepts entering the language that Icelandic just doesn’t have enough stem words to cover them all.

8. The translations of all the EFTA legislation [European Free Trade Association, of which Iceland is a part] handled by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs apparently bears little resemblance to Icelandic, because it’s so standardized and bureaucratic. Many people feel that international cooperation is completely flattening out the Icelandic language.

9. Others argue that the best thing that could happen to the Icelandic language would be for Iceland to join the EU, because that way it would be guaranteed not to die out. If Iceland were part of the EU there would be people working full-time to develop the language so that people could carry out discourse on innumerable subjects in Icelandic. Whereas if this doesn’t happen, this language will slowly but slowly perish.

10. Almost all of the large companies in Iceland that have operations abroad have declared English as their official company language. Trouble is, hardly anybody has native speaker proficiency when writing text.

11. A brand new – and updated – translation of The Bible hit bookstores last week and it’s been nothing if not controversial. In fact, all hell has broken loose, with the Bible thumpers going at the liberals like rabid dogs. And now I’d better stop because I really Don’t Want To Go There.

IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!
First snow of the season. We were at a dinner party and came out around midnight and there was ice all over the roads and people driving reeeeaaallllyyy sssllllloooowwwlllllyyy. [Thank goodness.] YT was pretty nervous, driving in icy conditions for the first time without tires that have nail studs in them, but we made it home in one piece. It’s been a frigid day but absolutely beautiful; right now temps are –2°C [28F] and the sun came up at 8.57 and set at 5.25 pm.

Or do you think I'm taking that cover too literally?

The one meme question I always wished someone would ask me is: 'What celebrity annoys you the most?' because in contrast to most other meme questions, I know exactly what I would answer.

Victoria Beckham.

I dunno - the very sight of Victoria Beckham irks me. I think it's that self-important way she rushes around with that 'I'M SUCH A BIG CELEBRITY THAT I HAVE TO RUSH PAST YOU WITH THESE SUNGLASSES ON BECAUSE THE PAPARAZZI ARE ON MY ARSE,' look. Or the 'hip-thrust-out-with-perpetual-pout' look. Or because for a few years, not a week would go by when she and Daivid were not on the cover of frigging OK or HELLO, having their supertacky throned wedding and other trivialities hyped to the sixes. Like that ludicrous media circus surrounding their move to America. I mean - hello!! Has no one ever moved to another country before!? Ever!?

And now, just when you thought VB had exhausted her capacity for tackiness she gives us Victoria Beckham: THE BOOK. In which she teaches you how to shit - in Prada.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW SHE'LL BE DOING NAKED WEATHER REPORTS
... which incidentally is a very popular googlie around these, um, parts. We had more sun today although a bit more cloud cover than yesterday, and a definite chill in the air. The wind died down a bit though. In two days' time we have our Culture Night celebrations plus the Reykjavík Marathon [no I'm not going - don't bother asking] a.k.a. the Biggest Party of the Summer. For which we'd like to place our order of warm, sunny and no wind, please. Current temps 10°C [50F] and sunrise was at 5:20 am, sunset at 9:41 pm.

And the loveliest word in the Nicelandic language is ....

This woman single-handedly took it upon herself to conduct a poll these past few weeks to discover the most beautiful word in the Icelandic language. The results are now in, and according to her readers the most beautiful word in the Icelandic language is 'ljósmóðir' which literally translated means 'light mother' - the Icelandic word for 'midwife'. Coming a very close second was the word 'kærleikur', which literally translated means 'heartfelt-play' and is the Icelandic word for love-slash-charity [neither of those two words really captures the nuance of 'kærleikur'], and in third place was the word 'dalalæða' which literally translated means something like 'moving soundlessly and playfully into the valley' and is the word for low-lying fog. Just thought you'd like to know.

Full results are here.

WE HAVE GLOOMY WEATHER ON THIS FIRST DAY BACK TO WORK
This past long holiday weekend marks the unofficial end to the Icelandic summer, as the days are getting progressively shorter and a hint of a chill is already in the air. Practically everything here [that isn't travel-industry related] shuts down in July and opens up again right around this time - so as most Europeans start heading out on their vacations, we Nicelanders are preparing ourselves for winter hibernation. Right now we have 12°C [54F] and the sun came up at 4:52 am and is due to set at 10:12 pm.

PS. Incidentally, if you happen to have come here via a link on this messageboard, please be advised that the comment about travelling on the Icelandic ring road, to wit: "Most of the area around there is pretty f*cking bleak to look at (think "moonscape punctuated by occasional tiny towns in which there is nothing to do and almost no one, or perhaps no one, speaks English..." is utter crap and written by someone who doesn't know what the f*ck they're talking about. Instead, please peruse the archives of this blog, or check out the myriad photographs of said area on Flickr and elsewhere. Thank you.

Trailers: the new foot massagers

Icelanders are notorious for their indiscriminate love of new gadgetry. One of the running jokes of this society is the electric foot massager debacle that happened one Christmas when there was a massive sale in electric foot massagers because it happened to be the indispensable household item of the day. A decade later, practically every other home in Iceland had an unused foot massager buried somewhere in the nether regions of their storage rooms.

The proverbial foot massager has appeared in some way, shape or form for decades. The fact is that Icelanders are incredibly impressionable – a bit like crows, they swoop down en masse on anything new and shiny. And over the years, as this nation has acquired more wealth, the ‘new and shiny’ has become ‘new and shiny and increasingly expensive’. When I was a teenager, I remember ten-speed bikes being the thing; the next year it was VCRs. Today it’s ever-larger SUVs and – the de rigueur gadget of the day – camper trailers.

Being hopelessly lame when it comes to chasing trends, EPI and didn’t know what had hit us last week when practically every other vehicle we met on our travels was pulling a trailer. I’m not exaggerating. We stopped at the campsite in Tálknafjörður and – lo and behold – there was hardly a single tent to be seen. It was all SUVs and trailers. We just looked at each other in amazement ... the last time we were there, three years ago, there were tents everywhere. And now – not one.

On returning home, a brief report in one of the papers confirmed what we already knew: trailers are the new foot massagers and they’re selling like hotcakes. The report also quoted a campsite employee in Borgarnes [west Iceland] who said that, “the only people who pitch tents any more are teenagers and tourists.” Mmm. Quite. I must say I was very pleased to see that my favourite cartoonist, as ever, has his finger on the pulse, for a couple of days later, this appeared in Blaðið:

I rest my case.

OUR VERSLUNARMANNAHELGI WEATHER IS…
G’head, I dare you to say the above word out loud. What it means, of course, is that our annual ‘Labour Day’ weekend is upon us, and half the people residing in the capital are out of town in their camper trailers getting loaded at some outdoor festival or other. Meanwhile, this is the time of year when YT and her clan love staying at home, because you feel like you have the city all to yourself. [That said, there was an annoying number of shoppers in the Kringlan Mall today]. Unfortunately the weather isn’t being entirely cooperative – there’s a nasty wind blowing that is awfully cold and makes me feel like fall is already upon us. The Icelandic summer: blink and you’ll miss it. Temps right now are a blustery 9°C [48F plus windchill] and sunrise was at 4:43 am, sunset at 10:22 pm.

Shameless googlie entertainment [partly censored]

Friends, I have deprived you long enough of the googlies* that have drifted upon my shores these past weeks. So without further ado, here are some of the more, ahem, curious specimens.

icelandic smoked fish sheep poo
(from Newham, Stratford)
Mmmm ... is there no end to Nicelandic delicacies?

Photo of Icelandic girl milk shower
(from Sweden)
Yes - I confess, we shower in milk up here. How do they know these things??

www.icelandtouristboars.is
(from the US)
Well, okay, some of our tourists are pigs, but by no means, not all!

bluish penis circulation
(from can't remember where)
Somewhere out there is a very worried man ...

wery big penis
(from Lithuania)
... Is located in Kópavogur and masquerades as a shopping mall. Oh, and apparently the Lithuanians have the same 'v'-'w' confusion as the Nicelanders, bless!

Tom Jones large penis
(from Tucson, Arizona)
Um ....

how can I become icelandic
(from Norfolk, UK)
Okay, I think my work here is done.

AND THE MOST POPULAR GOOGLIE OF THEM ALL ...
'iceland weather'. Today's was mostly cloudy, although the sun broke through around noon and sort of came and went throughout the afternoon. And it was warm - sort of humid, which is a novelty around here. Temps were up around 14°C [56F] and are a degree cooler now, 13°C. It's amazing how the minutest decrease in daylight has an effect on the psyche - I am all too well aware of the fact that we reached the zenith of the season with the solstice, and that we're now into the waning of daylight. The summer really is so short here in Iceland - you blink, you miss it. Sunrise today was 3:28 am and sunset at 11:35 pm.

* For those who don't know, googlies are words people use for Google searches that wind up on the Iceland Weather Report's stat counter.

A long post about me.me

YT is not a big fan of memes, but this one that’s been making the rounds in the blogsphere kind of has me intrigued. I first saw it over on V’s blog, then on Rozanne’s, and when she offered to craft questions for anyone who was interested, I raised my proverbial hand and went, ‘mememememe!’

1. How did you meet EPI? And was it love at first sight?

I was first introduced to EPI in the kitchen of the publishing house where I was working. He was the new employee and had just started that day. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight, but there was a definite sense of kinship there. You know – when you meet someone and just know you’re on the same page? We had a really similar sense of humor and we used to laugh ourselves silly during coffee breaks. It took a few months, but suddenly we had to come to terms with the fact that we were dealing with something a lot bigger than ‘just friends’. And it wasn’t exactly convenient timing. I’ll say no more.

2. If you were showing a visitor (such as myself, for example) around Reykjavik, what five sights/sites would you consider to be must-sees and why?

Well, if the visitor was you Rozanne, I’d have to take you hiking! First stop would definitely be Mt. Esja across the bay [I think it officially belongs to Reykjavík, but I’m not entirely sure – it’s the Greater Reykjavík Area, in any case] where we could marvel at the excellent view.

Second, horribly touristy but nonetheless a must, is Perlan, for its panoramic view of Reykjavík and surroundings. From there my visitor and I would stroll down to the man-made geyser right near it on Öskjuhlíð, and then on through the forest path to the man-made beach at Nauthólsvík, where we could flop in the sun or swim in the [geothermally-heated] sea.

Third, out to Grótta to see a sunset and for a stroll around the golf course. With any luck we’d see a seal or two.

Fourth, down to the small-boats harbour in Reykjavík for coffee at the refreshingly unpretentious Kaffivagninn, which serves traditional Icelandic food and where the sailors hang out, swap stories, and look out on their vessels bobbing outside the window.

Fifth, to an open-air swimming pool to soak in the hot pot. However, if my visitor had any qualms about getting naked I’d have an alternate plan: buying a soft ice cream cone and hanging out on Austurvöllur, where Reykjavikians flop on the grass in hoardes on sunny days.

It goes without saying that the weather would be absolutely perfect the entire time.

3. What is the most popular blog post you've ever written and what do you think accounts for its popularity?

This one. Need I say more? [There’s a link to it on Wikipedia under the Smáralind entry, but I think the photo is the main attraction.] It’s closely followed by this one, which gets all the dodgy ‘iceland women promiscious’ googlies – and all possible variations thereof. Ew!

4. Iceland is sometimes called the "Land of Fire and Ice." What's your favorite fire-related aspect of Iceland and your favorite ice-related aspect of Iceland?

Very straightforward: my favorite fire-related aspect are the volcanos and ice-related aspect are the glaciers. I should point out that I’ve never seen a volcanic eruption but I really really want to [from afar]. I’ve been on a glacier once and that was fun; however, I’m always awed by their beauty when viewed from a distance. They have such a mystical aura.

5. At one time in your life you were studying to be an actress. What was it about that profession that appealed to you and are you ever tempted to audition for local amateur productions of plays?

Gah! The ‘actress’ years. I was never any good. I think I auditioned for theatre school because some of my best childhood memories were associated with the theatre. My mother and father were both in the theatre, and my grandfather worked for the National Theatre, so I saw a lot of productions and hung out at rehearsals and to me it was magic. Plus all the theatre people were so nice and so much fun. However, as most of us discover sooner or later, a retreat into the past is not an option, and to my disappointment I found the theatre very different as an adult than I did as a child. I got into one of the best theatre schools in Canada, but I was acutely miserable and left after just one year. So – no, I am never tempted to audition for local amateur productions [not that there are that many here in Reykjavík]. I’m totally over that.

Okay then! Anyone want to have a go? If you’d like me to craft some questions for you, leave me a comment and I’ll be happy to oblige.

OUR WEATHER IS VERY WARM [FOR US] AND VERY WINDY
It’s actually warmed up to 17°C but it started to blow hard around noon and so we have this dusty, messy wind. I’m having a hard time accessing web pages [it’s driving me bonkers quite frankly – for some reason I can only access pages sporadically on my [Windows] laptop whereas my Mac is fine – and yes, I know Macs are superior to everything, I know I know] – so I don’t have access to the super-duper info on Yahoo weather, which would allow me to give you the degrees in Farenheit, plus the sunrise sunset times. Very very frustrating. Any guesses as to what’s happening? Anyone? It sometimes takes me many tries to access a single page – while some pages load trouble-free. It’s not the connection, I’ve already spoke to my ISP, and like I said the Mac desktop works fine. Not that the sunrise/sunset times matter anyway because it never gets dark these days.

I rest my case

This google search just in: 'wery big asses porno' *

~

MEANWHILE, THERE'S NO STOPPING THE SPRINGTIME WEATHER
Today was a gorgeous day - the sort of day you want to head to Laugavegur, the only half-decent shopping area in Niceland that isn't an indoor mall. Laugavegur is great on sunny days - everyone is in such a good mood, and there's such vibrancy and activity. Useless trivia: "Laugavegur" actually means "Pools Road" because it was forged by women who walked from the inhabited area in Reykjavík [today the old city centre] to the Laugardalur valley ["Hot spring valley" - today the main sports and recreation area] where there were hot springs, to do their laundry. It later became the city's main artery and shopping street - that is, until it was overshadowed by the two malls, Kringlan and Penis. Sigh. Although that wasn't all bad because with rental rates-per-square-metre dropping, a lot of cool boutiques and vintage stores have opened there, one of which sold our YT a brand-new wery wery cool handbag today. Right now we have 10°C [50F], sunrise was at 5.05 am and sunset at 9.47 pm, which doesn't really tell the whole story because daybreak was at 03.58 and nightfall will be at 10.56. Here comes the midnight sun!

* From wery wery nice Iceland, of course. Where else?

From the mouths of babes

Hey, so, last week I get this email, right? And it’s from this guy named Andrew with this email address that starts with ‘wellhungover’ and then the @ and I’ll saynomore. And he works for, like, this big London newspaper, and I won’t name any names? But it’s a broadsheet and it starts with an ‘I’ and it’s got this magazine on Sundays called the ‘I’ on Sunday. And he’s all, like, “Hi Alda, my name’s Andrew, and guess what? I’m coming to Iceland next week to do a feature on the cultural impact of the island on music and movies and I’d really like to interview you because I found you via your blog and I like your interests and I would greatly appreciate if you would liket o [sic] be interviewed for my feature on the young people of Iceland. I am also arranging some meeting [sic] with actors/actresses, musicians, models, chefs, you name it.” [blahblahblah] “Look forward to hearing from you soon, Andrew. PS Feel free to google me to see my usual celebrity interviewees.”

So I write him back and I’m all, like, “Hi Andrew, you know, I’d be really happy to meet up but, you know, the cultural impact of the island on music and movies ... like, raise the eyebrow... And anyway, Andrew? I’m not even that young. I’m, like, 44. But hey, if you think I have something to contribute, I mean, just say the word.”

The part I left out? “Andrew? I might just be old enough to be your mother.”

I think Andrew probably figured that out all by himself, though, because – guess what? I never heard from him again.

OH, AND ANDREW? I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR WELLIES
Because it has been raining here, incessantly, since you arrived. It’s been windy too, so I hope you packed your windproofs. Oh, and good luck with those models an’all. You know, those Icelandic girls are totally easy ... alls you gotta do is look at them sideways and just a minute later? They’re all over you. Just ask Oprah Winfrey. It’s drizzling out there right now and 10°C, which means it’s 50°F. And tomorrow the sun will come up at 5:15 am and set at 9:37 pm.

Dinner conversation of the absurd

So I'm getting all restless to start traveling around Iceland this summer, partly exacerbated by this assignment I'm working on that describes various Nicelandic locations in the most glowing terms.

I remarked on this to EPI at dinner.

EPI: I heard an interview with Björk this morning where she described herself as a singer and a housewife.

YT: [...]

EPI: Just a housewife. And a singer.

YT: And...?

EPI: She says one of the best things she does to unwind is go camping all by herself out in the middle of nowhere.

YT: Oh, I see. So if we go camping we might run into Björk.

EPI: Yeah, Björk everywhere, Björk up on some heath somewhere alone in a tent [makes scribbling gestures] We are the Earth intraiters we are the Earth intraiters ...

YT: Intruders.

EPI: Hahahaha ... what?

YT: Intruders.

EPI: What's the difference?

YT: Intraiters isn't a word.

EPI: [philosophical] Intraiter, intruder ... *

YT: Well you know, Jóhannes Kjarval slept in a tent.

EPI: Actually he didn't even sleep in the tent half the time. He slept outside and when it rained he took shelter under earth ledges, like the sheep. And since he painted in oils it didn't matter if it rained, he just kept right on painting, and sometimes he didn't even take the painting away with him, he just hid it in a crack in the lava. It's amazing he was able to find them all again, really.

YT: Wouldn't it be hilarious if Björk hid her songs in the lava and couldn't find them again?

IF BJÖRK HAD BEEN OUT IN A TENT YESTERDAY IT WOULD HAVE BLOWN OUT TO SEA
Because it was bloody windy. Gusts of up to 20 m/h if that means anything to you. Also, it's been really insane kind of weather. Yesterday I kept meaning to go outside for a walk in the sunshine, but by the time I finished the paragraph I was working on and stood up, it was raining again. I sat down, translated a page, and it was sunny again. I finished the paragraph, stood up, and it was raining. Rain and shine, rain and shine, all day long. Right now it's raining buckets and blowing a bit, and thankfully it won't be sunny when I finish this because it's evening.Temps 6°C. Sunrise at 5:22 am and sunset at 9:31 pm.

* There are some sounds in English that Icelandic people have a really hard time differentiating. One of those is the difference between v and w. Nicelanders think their country is wery wery nice. Wery nice.

Uh, okay ...

[I'm not going to ask.]

IN OTHER NEWS:
I'm sure many of you will be thrilled to know that Polly the cockatiel has laid another two hazelnuts, bringing her clutch to four. She sits on them very diligently and at this rate they are sure to hatch any day now.

AND BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE HERE FOR THE NICELANDIC WEATHER...
It's all windy and overcast now. Not terribly exciting from the window, but mild. I've hardly been out today at all save for a quick run at lunchtime [honestly I don't recall being so busy with work ever] and it was ok but a bit rough going on the way back. On account of the wind. Currently we have 10°C [50F] [Woo!] and the sun came up at 5:29 am, sunset at 9:25 pm. Staying light really late now, which is great.

Some beauty pageants you just gotta love

Those crafty beauty conoisseurs up in the West Fjords are at it again. First, they gave the world the ram groping contest - now, there is the Untamed Beauty contest in which cellulite, wrinkles, baldness, sagging boobs, etc. actually count as assets.

Among the 14 contestants in the pageant - which will be held Wednesday night - are one Australian, an Icelander living in Norway and a guy from Jamaica with dreads down past his waist. The rules to qualify are simple: contestants must be at least 20 years old and must not have had plastic surgery. Period. Oh, and - get this - they will be judged on the basis of how fully they have lived their lives. How perfect is that?!

As yet, the organizers are unwilling to reveal what first prize will be, but secondary prizes include free snow removal from a parking lot, a free change from winter to summer tires at a tire workshop, and a free blessing by a local minister. Also, it's kind of fun to note that one of the judges is a well-known ex-model who was one of the founders of the Miss Iceland.is beauty pageant years ago, but who has since turned her attention to worthier pursuits, such as chairing the Icelandic V-day committee. And judging the Untamed Beauty contest, of course.

The majority of proceeds from the pageant will go to the newly-founded Sólstafir centre in Ísafjörður [pop. 4,500, on the West Fjords, where the contest is being held], which is a counselling centre for survivors of incest and sexual violence. Since it opened, demand for its services has exceeded capacity and it is very much in need of funding; hence the idea to throw this unconventional fund-raiser. Incidentally, the pageant has generated attention far and wide - apparently the BBC did a report on it recently and other foreign media has followed suit.

Right then: you can go ahead and pick your favourite contestant ... just don't expect to see them walking down a runway in a tiara.

WEATHER!
We're finally starting to get a hint of spring ... went on an errand downtown today and actually saw some weeeeee buds on the trees. Plus a crocus or two poking up out of the soil. For once it was mostly dry, with some sunny spells; current temps here in Reykjavík are 3°C [37F] [up in Ísafjörður-2°C brrr] and sunrise was at 5:54 am [yes! when I woke up at five this morning it was already light out] and sunset at 21.03.

It's too much work to come up with a title for this one

You know what gives me great satisfaction? Taking off a worn-out pair of socks and throwing them directly into the garbage because they have a hole in them. Disposable socks. What a great feeling that is.

[Yawn.]

Now, if you've surmised that the above means that my life is excruciatingly dull right now, you are correct. It seems all I do right now is work. Work work work. Interrupted only to taxi AAH to any of the varying places she needs to go, like school, singing lessons, private tutoring, parties, orthodontist, solarium studio, or all of the above. In fact if it weren't for AAH I probably wouldn't get out at all. I'd be sitting at the kitchen table all day long with my head stuffed full of concepts like 'net cash flow from operations', 'expenses excluding depreciation and financial items', 'operating income on a cash basis, 'working capital provided by operating activities' ... until it exploded and spewed 'cash' and 'dividends' all over the kitchen.

It's annual report season, you understand. And if you are a semi-large Icelandic corporation, want to be listed on the Iceland Stock Exchange and indeed want to be taken seriously at all, you are required to have your annual report in English and not only in English but in fairly decent English. Enter YT and her ilk.

I didn't work over Easter at all [and felt very smug about it], but both before and after it's been fairly hectic and this weekend both Saturday and Sunday are being treated as normal working days because I've got deadlines next week. Which makes me a fairly normal Nicelander, because over here people tend to treat weekends like working days anyway [if you gotta work, you gotta work] and YT tends to be an anomaly for clinging to her foreign ways and insisting on having weekends off. See, the 'fishing society' is so ingrained in the people here that the old days in which everybody worked their asses off when the trawlers came in so as to process and preserve the catch - and then took time off when the trawlers were out at sea - is still very much present in the national psyche. Only - people fail to realize the fact that the financial services industry and suchlike has very little to do with trawlers and fish, and working like mad on weekends and holidays really doesn't deliver very much in terms of salvaging valuables.

Why am I telling you this? I do not know. It's late - and EPI just had a good laugh in the living room which has incited my curiosity. Turns out he was flicking through the TV channels and the porno movie currently being shown on Blue Hustler is called 'Desperate Housewhores #03'. HAR! Too bad we don't buy that station, I'm sure the pornographic versions of Bree, Susan, Gaby et al are something to behold and might even be more interesting than the originals.

OKAY OKAY, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THE WEATHER?
Oh man it has been dreadful lately, which in turn has been very good for YT's sitting at the kitchen table working. The only drawback has been that I've been afflicted with severe endorphin withdrawal several times because it's been too rainy/stormy to venture outside. Believe me, I'm getting it down to a science, the skill of going for a run in between low pressure areas. You have to pick just the right moment, when it slows down every so slightly and before it starts to blow hard again. Someday I may be able to teach a class on it. We're about to be hit with another low pressure area right now [I can hear it with mine finely-tuned ear] and temps are currently 7°C [45F], sunrise will be at 06.01 and sunset at 20.57. Yowsa.